


A Little Light

by trxxiebea



Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 17:21:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10667289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trxxiebea/pseuds/trxxiebea
Summary: Tumblr prompt for @sapphictrixie.Trixie finally comes clean about what's been bothering her.





	A Little Light

**Author's Note:**

> 49: “I love you but you love him.”  
> 52: “I don’t think he loves me anymore.”

Trixie knew that what she felt for Barbara wasn’t just friendship. It wasn’t even just attraction or appreciation. Barbara was the only person who made Trixie truly forget all that made her brain so cloudy, the only person who could lift the overbearing weight that constantly sat in the pit of her stomach. When Trixie was with Barbara she felt light, she felt free and elated. She felt love.   
And that’s why it hurt so much to see her love somebody else.

Trixie had just come back from her AA meeting. All that she had wanted to do was talk about her situation with Barbara, but she couldn’t. She had to hide it from the people she thought she’d never have to hide anything from, and that had broken her. She felt drained as she made her way to her room, she needed the company of someone who wouldn’t judge her and understood her situation. She needed Patsy. That’s what had gotten her home without falling apart, the fact that Patsy would be waiting for her and wouldn’t ask her questions that she didn’t know how to answer, she would just be there.

Shakily she knocked on the bedroom door-  
“Pats? Are you decent?” There was no answer, so Trixie tentatively opened the door, hands still shaking. Patsy wasn’t there, and there was a note on Trixie’s bed.   
“Gone to Gateways with Delia, won’t be back till late.   
Pats xxx”  
Trixie’s heart sank, the one night she really needed her friend more than anything was the one night she was out having fun with her girlfriend. Girlfriend, a pang of jealousy came across Trixie, she longed to be able to call Barbara her girlfriend. To be in a relationship as loving as Patsy and Delia’s. But Barbara was engaged, Trixie had to keep reminding herself of that. Barbara was happy and Barbara’s happiness was more important than hers, no matter how much that hurt. So she would hide her feelings, for Barbara’s sake.

Trixie’s eyes panned to the cabinet that used to hold her drinks, gosh she would love a glass of scotch to dull the pain. Something to make her head go fuzzy enough to forget about Barbara, but she knew she couldn’t do that, for one thing Barbara had made sure that all the alcohol in Nonnatus was disposed of or hidden when she had found out about Trixie’s alcoholism. Barbara was honestly the kindest soul Trixie had ever met, she deserved the world and more, but Trixie couldn’t give her that. She had to let go.

Overwhelmed she sank down onto her bed, a hand covering her mouth to try and hide the gut wrenching sob that had escaped her. Once she started she couldn’t stop, it was as if everything had caught up on her all of sudden and she didn’t know how to handle it. She cried and cried until she lay face down on the pillow, dehydrated from the tears and struggling to stay awake.   
“Trixie?” Trixie knew that voice better than anyone’s  
“Trixie I need your help choosing a-” Barbara stopped in her tracks as she opened the door and saw Trixie’s limp figure lying on the bed. She ran over and knelt beside her friend.

“Hey…” She whispered softly,  
“What’s wrong?” She tucked a strand of Trixie’s hair behind her ear as Trixie blinked blankly back at her.  
“I- I can’t…”   
“You can’t what? Trixie please talk to me, it’ll help I promise.” Trixie sat up slowly, bringing her knees up to her chest as Barbara sat down opposite her.   
“I can’t tell you. You’d hate me. I can’t.” Trixie began to cry again, and Barbara took her hand and squeezed it, sending electric currents through Trixie’s entire body.   
“Trixie I could never hate you. No matter what you did. Please, just tell me what’s wrong?” Barbara spoke softly, still holding onto Trixie’s shaking hand.   
“I… I, love… You.” Trixie’s voice was barely even audible,  
“Trix, you know I love you too! But please, tell me what’s bothering you, I’m worried.” Barbara sighed, and Trixie looked down towards her feet.   
“No. I love you. I love you, but you love him…” She croaked, looking up into Barbara’s eyes to see them widen in shock.   
“I’m sorry! I’m so so so sorry! I shouldn’t have told you that, you’re engaged for goodness sake and- and you love Tom and Tom loves you and I’m not a part of that. I shouldn’t be a part of that. I-” Trixie began to ramble, getting more and more hysterical by the second as Barbara sat quiet, processing what Trixie was saying.   
“I don’t think he loves me anymore….” Barbara whispered, stopping Trixie in her tracks.   
“You, what? No! No he loves you more than anything! Why wouldn’t he?” Trixie stammered.   
“He thinks I love someone else.” Barbara looked down and wrung her hands together,  
“And he wouldn’t be wrong…”

It was Trixie’s turn to process. Was Barbara saying she felt the same way? Surely not, surely she just meant that she had fallen for another man? She couldn’t possibly feel the same.   
“What do you mean?”   
“I mean, I think I mean, that I love you too.” Trixie’s mouth dropped open  
“Oh…” She blinked as Barbara leaned in towards her, placing a short soft kiss on her lips. It was all Trixie had wanted. Barbara felt the same way for her. Barbara loved her too. She felt light again, the clouds shifted and the a little light shone through. A little light in the shape of Barbara Gilbert.

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t think this is my best work, it’s pretty angsty and the writing is faaaar from great, but I hope you enjoy nonetheless!


End file.
